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EXPANDED UNIVERSE: SAGA-ERA

References may be incomplete, misfiled, out of order or simply wrong. I am not much for the EU and many of these come strictly by hearsay. Feel free to contact me to suggest new relevant information, correct a problem on these pages or share hot, hot stories of Splinter of the Mind's Eye-era sibling lust.

DARTH MAUL'S ADVENTURE JOURNAL

I had this in the Episode I section for the longest time, since it takes place during the events of said film. And because I was lazy.

Anyway, in Darth Maul’s very own kid’s book, we find that en route to Tatooine, he meets some Togorian pirates. And he chops one of their hands off. Yep. He sure does.

… You know, it gets really difficult to write good hand-chopping jokes after a while. Why do I bother with this site? I don’t know, I just don’t know. Maybe this site is my own personal adventure journal. The adventure of life. I need a girlfriend.

You know, Maul doesn't strike me as the journal-keeping type. Does he write crappy poetry in it? Maybe long whines about the girl in math class who won't go out with him? I think emo Sith would be an awesome concept. Besides Anakin, I mean.

CLONE WARS

I just watched the first volume of the "Clone Wars" series on DVD and it would appear that Obi-Wan chops Durge's arm off. I couldn't tell when I watched it online back when it first came out because I couldn't see anything but blockiness and pixels, which is almost as frustrating as when I try to watch porn illegally and it's scrambled.

Anyway, Durge is able to extend tentacles and pink spaghetti (or something) from his severed limbs to reconnect them. I think it's a metaphor for something, just not sure what. Possibly life.

In volume two, Anakin's robot arm blows up, and a bunch of dudes pull their robot arms off. Close, but no cigar! Still, sometimes I get the sense this is just what they do in this franchise when they can't figure out what else to do.

PURGE

This is a comic book about Darth Vader killing people. Ya figure, why not give the people what they want.

And just check out that cover art. You know you're in for something good here.

I'm always a fan of Adam Hughes' sexy comic book girls, but that's a topic for another time. On that there cover is Sia-Lan Wezz (no, I don't know what kind of a name that's supposed to be, either), and Vader has stabbed her in the tits and chopped off a portion of her anatomy. Guess which. Just guess. I dare you. I want you to think real hard. Good. Good.

Man, now I want to start a new site. The Stabbed Tits of Star Wars.

But yeah. Later one we run into yet another example of Anakin/Vader's arm being used as the target for everyone's fetishistic abuse. (And you're not even done reading this page yet). Or maybe someone forgot that Vader's robotic hand in ROTJ has already been explained about six hundred different times.

See, some dude called Tsui Choi, who sounds suspiciously like the guy who runs my local Thai takeout joint, chops off Vader's hand. Vader takes the hand, holding a cortosis blade (I've never really bothered to learn what cortosis is, but it sounds dirty somehow), and chucks it at Kofi Annan.

I mean, Koffi Arana.

SPLINTER OF THE MIND'S EYE

Some time after the Battle of Yavin, Luke and Leia crash-land on planet Mimban and get caught up in a hunt for the Kaiburr crystal (it’s like steroids for the Force) in the Temple of Pomojema.

Hand-chops a-plenty, kids! Luke chops off a miner’s hand and a Coway’s hand. I’m told this, anyway. I refuse to actually find the stupid book again and confirm. Because I hate this book. Hate it hate it hate it. I think it’s the worst Star Wars book ever. And not just because it excludes a major character entirely, or because it has Luke and Leia get romantic and kissy, or because it’s a piece of crap. Okay, because it’s a piece of crap. Yeah. Which is a shame. Alan Dean Foster wrote the best Star Wars book ever (the ANH novel) and followed it up with this. Heaven, hell and purgatory. Okay, no purgatory. Okay, ending this paragraph now.

Vader and Luke get into quite a jolly little lightsaber duel. Luke defends himself and chops off Vader’s arm. This is less effective than predicted, as Vader actually picks up his fallen arm and takes the lightsaber out so he can use it again. Not making this up.

Incidentally… this book is sick and very, very, very gory. There are grisly descriptions of many disgusting things, including shootings, stabbings, scorchings and the like. But it has hand-chops. Redeeming, I guess. God damn I hate this book.