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NEW MOVIES

(I don’t file these under ’the saga’ because for me the saga begins at TPM and ends at ROTJ. Whether they are good or bad, I view the post-Lucas movies as a sort of big-budget EU.)

SOLO

Chewbacca rips some guy’s arms off, and it is funny. Mythology, you see. The movie also shows us close-ups of Han’s dice about five hundred times just so you know it did its homework.

THE FORCE AWAKENS

I thought Kylo Ren got his hand cut off but people are saying it was just some black thing in the snow. Threepio lost his arm and had a red arm but later it was gold again. I will make this page more interesting once I have concluded a 646-post argument with Internet people on whether Snoke is Darth Plagueis.

For now, we will assume that no one lost a hand…

… although we did lose a Han.

(ba-dum, tch)

Here’s the bizarre thing: I watched this movie with my 11-year-old niece and even she thought Kylo should have lost a hand. She doesn’t know about this site or anything because if I ever told her about it she would lose all respect for me as a functioning adult.

The novelization includes a scene that was shot but cut, where Unkar Plutt tracks Rey to Maz’s cantina and gets mad, and Chewie gets even more mad and rips Unkar’s arm off, then throws it across the room.

I am amazed this scene didn’t actually appear in the movie because I got the sense that JJ Abrams would literally kill himself if we didn’t get a callback to the OT every forty-three seconds.

THE LAST JEDI

I really debated including the Snoke thing for a while. Years ago, when this site was new and I believed adult life would be full of wonderful possibilities, I made a rule that a hand-chop would not count if someone was just plain getting cut up lots (like the battle droids).

But I’m gonna give this movie its credit and count Snoke. Maybe it’s just because I liked it; maybe I’m just in a good mood tonight.

You can see, I hope, Snoke’s left hand just sitting on the arm rest, quite separated from, well, the rest of his arm.

It’s an unorthodox hand-chop, I know, but this movie was all about breaking the boundaries of what a Star Wars movie can be. Let the past die, kill it if you have to, all that. Please direct all complaints to my e-mail as listed on the Contact page.